Boundaries Aren’t Selfish: The Oxygen Mask Rule for Wellness

I want to talk to you about something very near and dear to my heart personally and professionally—the difference between setting a boundary and being selfish. Because it is very imporant to know that boundaries aren’t selfish!

As a therapist, I work with a lot of people who care deeply about their families, their jobs, and the people in their lives. They give and give until they’re running on empty. And then, the guilt creeps in when they even think about saying no, resting, or asking for space.

Let’s pause right here.

If this sounds familiar, I want you to picture something: you’re on an airplane, and the flight attendant is going over the safety procedures. You’ve heard it before: “Put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.” It’s not just a good idea—it’s a rule that can save lives.

Why? Because if you pass out trying to help someone else, you’re not helping anyone. You’re both in trouble.

This, my friend, is the foundation of healthy boundaries.

What Is a Boundary, Really?

A boundary is simply a line that defines where you end and someone else begins. It’s how you protect your energy, your time, and your well-being. Healthy boundaries are not walls that keep people out—they’re doors that allow connection with safety and balance.

When you set a boundary, you’re saying: “I care about you, and I also care about me.”

You’re not shutting anyone out. You’re making sure that you can show up as your best self—steady, present, and capable.

Why We Confuse Boundaries With Selfishness

If you’ve been raised to prioritize others over yourself (as many women and marginalized folks have), boundaries can feel uncomfortable. You might fear being seen as rude, cold, or ungrateful.

But here’s the truth:

• Selfishness is taking care of yourself and expecting others to take care of you too.
• Boundaries are taking care of yourself so you can show up and care for others from a place of strength.

Selfishness drains relationships. Boundaries strengthen them.

The Oxygen Mask Metaphor in Real Life

Let’s go back to the airplane for a minute.

You’re 30,000 feet in the air. The cabin pressure drops. You’ve got seconds to act. If you fumble trying to help your seatmate while gasping for breath, you’ll both pass out.

But if you put on your own mask first, you stabilize. Then you can help others—and you’ll do it more effectively.

That’s what boundaries do. They give you breath. They restore your clarity. They allow you to help from a place of wellness instead of resentment or burnout.

Signs You’re Setting a Healthy Boundary (Not Being Selfish)

Here are a few clues that you’re practicing healthy boundaries, not selfishness:

• You’re saying no with kindness, not cruelty.
• You’re honoring your needs and considering others.
• You feel a sense of relief or peace after setting the boundary.
• You’re giving from overflow, not depletion.

If your boundary is rooted in self-respect and a desire for mutual care—it’s not selfish.

How Boundaries Support Growth and Resilience

Boundaries are part of emotional wellness. When you hold them, you’re creating conditions where:

• Resilience can thrive because you’re not constantly drained.
• Healing can take place because you’re not in survival mode.
• Growth becomes possible because you’re not stuck in burnout.
• Balance returns because your needs matter too.
• Support feels mutual, not one-sided.
• Wellness expands because your system isn’t overtaxed.

You’re not just surviving. You’re building a life that’s sustainable.

But What If People Don’t Like My Boundaries?

It’s possible they won’t. Especially if they’ve benefited from you not having them.

Setting a new boundary may stir discomfort—for you and for others. But discomfort is not the same as damage. Often, it’s just growing pains.

You are not responsible for managing everyone’s feelings. Let me say this again…YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR MANAGING OTHERS’ EMOTIONS!  You are responsible for being kind and clear. That’s it!

Boundaries invite others to meet you in a space of mutual respect.

A Personal Reflection

When I first started practicing firmer boundaries in my own life, I was terrified. I thought people would leave or judge me. But what I found was something better: peace, clarity, and deeper relationships built on honesty—not obligation.

Now, I’m better at noticing when I’m slipping into people-pleasing mode. I remind myself of the oxygen mask. I ask, “Am I giving from a full place? Or am I running out of air?”

And I adjust accordingly.

You Deserve to Breathe

If you take one thing from this, let it be this:
You are allowed to take care of yourself. Not just allowed—REQUIRED. Because the people you love need the real you, not the worn-out, resentful version.

When you tend to your needs with compassion, you become more you—calmer, stronger, and more connected.

That’s not selfish. That’s wise. That’s wellness.

So go ahead—put on your oxygen mask. Breathe. Then, help others breathe too.If this spoke to you, feel free to share it with someone who struggles with boundaries. Healing is contagious