Internal vs External
Let’s talk about something I see all the time—both in therapy and in everyday life. It’s the pressure to prove yourself. I often refer to it as internal vs external validation.
Have you ever finished something you were proud of, only to second-guess it because no one else noticed? Or maybe you did something brave—like setting a boundary—but started to doubt yourself because someone got upset? This is internal vs external validation.
That feeling comes from relying on external validation. It’s the habit of looking outside ourselves for approval, acceptance, or proof that we’re “enough.”
Now don’t get me wrong—getting a compliment, a thank you, or a good review can feel amazing. It’s human to want connection and recognition. But when your whole sense of worth is tied to what others think, it’s like living on a rollercoaster that someone else is driving.
Today, I want to show you another way.
Let’s look at how turning to your internal validation—your personal values—can be the beginning of real growth, balance, and healing.
What Are Internal Validation?
Internal validation is the quiet, grounded ways we measure our own actions, choices, and goals. Instead of asking, “Did they like it?”, we ask:
- “Did this reflect my values?”
- “Did I show up how I want to show up?”
- “Am I proud of who I’m becoming?”
These are deeper questions. And it often leads to a life that feels more solid, peaceful, and true to you.
Internal vs external validation. It’s the difference between chasing gold stars and checking in with your gut.
Why External Validation Can Feel So Addictive
Think about how many of us grew up.
We were taught to get good grades, be polite, follow the rules, and keep others happy. That’s not all bad—but it can train us to believe that our worth depends on how others react.
Later in life, this shows up as people-pleasing, perfectionism, or feeling anxious whenever someone is disappointed or upset.
You might be doing so much right, but if no one notices, it doesn’t feel like enough.
Over time, this wears you down. It creates anxiety, burnout, and a quiet voice inside that whispers, You’re only doing okay if someone else says so.
I want you to know: That voice is lying.
Living by Your Values Brings Resilience
Here’s the truth of Internal vs External Validation. When you act from your personal values—like honesty, kindness, courage, creativity, or loyalty—you build something that doesn’t fall apart when someone else disagrees or stays silent.
This is how you grow resilience.
Resilience isn’t just about bouncing back from hard things. It’s about knowing who you are and what matters to you, even when life feels messy.
When you live from your own inner compass, you’re not so shaken when someone doesn’t approve. You may still feel disappointed—but you don’t crumble.
This is the kind of strength that lasts.
A Real-Life Example
Let me give you a personal example.
A few years ago, I made a decision that I knew was right for me and my family. But someone close to me didn’t agree. They questioned it, judged it, and made their disappointment clear.
At first, I spiraled. I doubted myself. I wanted to explain, to make them see it my way. I even considered undoing my choice just to keep the peace.
But I paused. I checked in with my own values. I had made the choice from love, clarity, and courage. I wasn’t acting from fear or avoidance.
That gave me peace—even though the other person never gave me their approval.
This is the kind of balance we can build when we choose our internal truth over external praise.
How to Start Using Internal Validation
You might be wondering: “Okay, but how do I do that?”
Here’s a simple way to begin.
1. Identify Your Top 5 Values
Write down what really matters to you. Here are a few examples but you can come up with more:
- Honesty
- Creativity
- Compassion
- Freedom
- Learning
- Growth
- Integrity
- Connection
Circle your top five. These are your inner validations.
2. Check in Daily
At the end of the day, ask:
“Did I live in alignment with my values today?”
Even if it was messy—did you try to be kind? Did you stay true to your boundaries?
You’ll start noticing when your actions feel good—even if no one claps for them.
3. Notice the Urge to People-Please
When you feel anxious about someone’s opinion, pause and ask:
“Am I doing this because it’s right for me—or because I want them to approve of me?”
No shame here. Just awareness. That’s where healing begins.
You’re Not Alone in This
Let me be clear: This is not always easy. It’s a practice. And it takes time.
Sometimes it helps to have support—a therapist, a trusted friend, or a group that reminds you who you are when you forget.
We were never meant to figure all this out in isolation. Wellness is a shared journey.
The good news? Every time you choose to live by your values—even quietly—you grow stronger. You build a life that feels more yours.
A Gentle Reminder
You don’t need anyone’s permission to trust yourself.
You don’t need a gold star to be proud of who you are.
And you’re allowed to grow at your own pace.
You’re doing brave work—even when it’s invisible to others.
That, my friend, is something worth celebrating.