The Quiet Cost of Making Yourself Smaller

Why Women and Minorities Often Shrink Themselves in a World That Expects It

I was in the very crowded Seattle airport recently when it hit me again.

Dragging my bag through the terminal, I found myself twisting sideways, shrinking my shoulders, sidestepping people as if I were a ghost asking permission to exist and making myself smaller. I even caught myself whispering “sorry” when someone bumped into me. I was moving as though I didn’t have the right to take up space, while others strolled forward—upright, unbothered, confident.

One man in particular stood out. He moved through the crowd like he belonged there. No sidestepping, no apologies, no second-guessing. It wasn’t rude—it was natural. He wasn’t making himself smaller for anyone. And I thought to myself, I want that. I want the confidence to exist without apology.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not imagining it.

The Invisible Ways You are Making Yourself Smaller

As a therapist, I see this pattern over and over—especially in women, especially in people of color. We learn early on to minimize ourselves. Be polite. Be nice. Don’t be “too much.” Don’t take up too much space—physically, emotionally, or verbally. For many of us, it’s a survival skill. We learn to read the room, adjust ourselves, and anticipate everyone else’s needs before our own.

This often shows up in the most ordinary places: airports, grocery store aisles, meetings at work, even conversations with friends. We interrupt ourselves. We apologize for our feelings. We step aside, physically and emotionally. We tell ourselves it’s just being kind, or respectful.

But when kindness is always one-sided, it becomes self-erasure.

Who Gets to Take Up Space?

We don’t often talk about who is allowed to take up space. Who gets to move through the world with ease. Who is seen as a “default human” and who is expected to accommodate.

That man in the airport? He wasn’t doing anything wrong. He just didn’t feel the pressure to make himself smaller. And in that moment, I realized: it wasn’t just about me being anxious. It was about the messages I had absorbed over a lifetime. Messages that told me to contort, quiet down, and always—always—make others comfortable.

Women and minorities often carry this burden. We manage other people’s feelings. We explain ourselves. We second-guess how we speak, how we dress, how we move. It’s not about low self-esteem—it’s about survival in a culture that rewards invisibility in some and confidence in others.

Anxiety as a Messenger

Anxiety often plays a big role in this shrinking. It shows up as the voice that says, What if they think I’m rude? What if I make someone uncomfortable? What if they get mad?

That anxious voice is trying to protect you. But if it’s always leading the way, it can keep you small.

As a therapist, I encourage clients to get curious about that voice—not to shame it. What is it trying to protect you from? When did you first learn that it wasn’t safe to take up space?

This is where healing begins—not with blame, but with curiosity and compassion.

Reclaiming Your Right to Exist Fully

So how do we begin to unlearn this pattern of making yourself smaller?

We start small. We start with awareness. The next time you find yourself squeezing through a crowd, pausing your sentence, or apologizing for your emotions, notice it. That noticing is powerful.

Here are a few small ways to begin reclaiming your space:

• Stand tall, even when it feels unfamiliar. Posture tells your body and your brain: I belong here.
• Practice saying no without explaining. Your boundaries don’t need justification.
• Let yourself take the longer path, even if it means someone waits for you to pass. You don’t owe anyone speed or silence.
• Notice when others move freely, and use that as permission—not comparison. If they can do it, maybe you can too.

Resilience Without Shrinking

Resilience doesn’t mean putting up with everything. It means finding your way back to balance when the world throws you off center. It means being rooted in your worth even when others don’t see it.

When we stop shrinking or making yourself smaller, we make room—not just for ourselves, but for others who need to see it done. We create space for honesty, for confidence, for growth. And we allow others to experience us fully—without the filter of self-erasure.

A New Kind of Wellness

True wellness isn’t just about self-care routines. It’s about living in alignment with your full self. It’s about honoring your needs without shame. It’s about supporting yourself the way you’ve supported everyone else.

Healing this part of yourself doesn’t happen overnight. But every time you resist the urge to shrink, every time you choose presence over apology, you’re doing the quiet, powerful work of healing.

You’re choosing to grow into your full self.

And that, friend, is nothing to be sorry for.